David Brooks is at it again with another dumbshit premise:
I was a liberal Democrat when I was young. I used to wear a green Army jacket with political buttons on it — for Hubert Humphrey, Birch Bayh, John F. Kennedy and Franklin Roosevelt. I even wore that jacket in my high school yearbook photo.
It’s a magic green jacket. I can put it on today and, suddenly, my mind shifts back to the left. I start thinking like a Democrat, feeling a strange accompanying hunger for brown rice.
I know, right? Who could take this guy seriously?
Fortunately we have Doghouse Riley with a little chin music:
But by the time Main Line Davey turned 15 Jimmy Carter had secured the Democratic nomination and a huge lead over Gerald “Nixon Pardoner” Ford. Does Brooks ever claim to have been a Carter supporter? Admit a pubescent admiration for George McGovern? That button collection sounds more like something he’d swiped from his Yellow-Dog Democrat grampa’s bureau drawer in the dark. Humphrey? Student Drivers for Hubert Fucking Humphrey? Just a big fan of Full Employment, or of his brave 11th-hour opposition to bombing Vietnam? Birch Bayh–something in his twenty-five minute campaign really spoke to your adolescent self? FDR? Where’d you even find an FDR button in 1976? By the mid-70s Roosevelt was a plaster saint, a face in the change drawer, an American icon, not a rallying-point for Budding Young Socialists.
Working the ribs:
Okay, screw this. Look, the one proven way we can avoid getting “stuck in the same old spending debate” is to elect Republicans, who then bankrupt us without criticizing themselves for it. You, Mr. Brooks, backed blank-check military interventions in Iraq and Afghanistan. In this you were both dead wrong and remarkably unfettered by your own widely-trumpeted “principles”, but these are beside the point. If you believe in busting the Treasury for your pet ideas, then you cannot scream bloody murder when a Democratic landslide does the same. As for the voters, well, let ’em vote. If eight years of unmitigated disaster weren’t enough for us, then let’s learn the lesson all over again.
And the haymaker:
Here’s an idea: next Halloween, instead of wearing your hippie jacket try finding a pair of magic eyeglasses that see into the present. You wanna talk catastrophe? Try the long-term effects of Reaganomics, which you championed. Try the hysterical reaction to 9/11, which you championed. Try sixty-five years of incontinent military spending, which both sides facilitate but your side claims as a birthright. Try the trendy denigration of any and all spending for the general welfare–even that which rescues us from the brink of disasters caused by unregulated corporate rapine. Championed by whom, again?
Good stuff. Riley is always a good bookmark to hit up if you’re in the mood to see David Brooks or Ross Douthat get torn to shreds. Read the whole thing because he continues to lay into him after this. Brooks ends his little wank session with this:
Eventually, I see a party breaking out of old stereotypes, appealing to entrepreneurs and suburbanites again, and I start feeling good about the future. Then I take off the magic green jacket and return to my old center-right self. A chill sweeps over me: Gosh, what if the Democrats really did change in that way?
Quickly, cleanse your mind with calming thoughts about your current party, the one that appeals to racists, ignorant gullible rubes and the obscenely rich people exploiting the fears of the racists and rubes to steal all their (and our) money, and champions of every terrible policy that led us into this death spiral we’re struggling to pull out of as a nation. Long live the GOP.